Usually, an adoption has a few “simple” steps. The adoptive parents have a homestudy completed, to ensure that they are suitable candidates to parent a child. Then they’re placed in a queue. Depending on the agency involved and their own criteria for “suitable parents”, it can be short or lengthy. Then you wait. And wait. And wait some more.
Finally, there comes the day when the potential adoptive family gets The Call. Then they meet the baby (and usually, at least in our state, the baby’s original family). Then they’re placed, then there’s the finalization, and they all live Happily Ever After.
Sometimes it doesn’t work out that way.
I don’t personally know of too many adoptive parents who haven’t had at least one instance of a failed placement. For the purposes of this discussion, I will be calling it a disruption. Some people refer to it as a “failed adoption”, but that would imply that the finalization had already taken place. Despite what you might have heard in every tabloid and every sensational news story surrounding adoption, a failed adoption is rare. According to the study cited <a href=”http://statistics.adoption.com/information/statistics-disruption-dissolution.html”>here</a>, from 1988, less than 1% of all infant adoptions are disrupted. Certainly sad for everybody concerned, but rare.
The most common reason for a disruption is that the birthparent has decided to parent the child, either alone or as a couple. If a family has been affected by a disruption, their story will always be unique. I’m certain that a disruption affects the birthfamily too; but as I have no personal knowledge of that, I cannot speak for that myself. The one thing I can do is to tell our family’s story of our disruption.
About 8 years ago this August, we got a call from our social worker about a little boy, Lil’ D. He had been in the ICU for the first 2 months of his life, and was roughly the size of a baby half his age. At birth, he had tested negative for drugs and alcohol, and so far had not shown any signs of a thyroid disorder. In fact, he was scheduled for genetic testing right around the time that he was supposed to be placed. His grandparents insisted that any potential parents meet with them at placement. We had wanted to at least meet with most of his family anyway, so we agreed. His birthfamily also wanted us to meet him before deciding whether to accept the placement. It seemed reasonable, so we agreed to that as well.
We were also told by our social worker that Lil’ D’s birthfamily were extremely upset that the placement was taking so long (at the time, they had been waiting for 2 months to come up with a suitable family for Lil’ D) and were planning on suing the agency for “misrepresentation”. That alone should have set the warning bells blasting away in my head. at the same time, I wasn’t…excited, or happy, or feeling very much of anything. That also should have set off warning bells, but it didn’t.
The next day, we met Lil’ D at his cradle parents’ home. He was a beautiful little boy. <em>Very</em> small for a 2 month old, true, but beautiful. He also had the wide, slightly bug-eyed look of someone with hyperthyroidism. At the hospital, he had tested negative, but was being taken to the Big Specialty Hospital in town to undergo more extensive genetic testing. We played with him. I got to feed him, change his diaper. We both fell in love.Nothing could have prepared us for what happened next.
I definitely fall into that less than 1% category. Everything leading up to the adoption of my beautiful daughter was perfect. Birthmother & I had formed amazing relationship–I was even in the room for my daughter’s birth. The most incredible experience of my life.
2 weeks after I returned to my home state–I was informed that the BPs changed their mind & wanted her back. Needless to say–I was devastated, as my daughter & I already started bonding. Luckily–my homestate does not require “automatic return” of the child–and instead goes to a hearing for the child’s best interest.
I will skip the LONG and HORRIFIC details–but they include a “best interest of the child hearing”, then depositions, then trial. Trial is then adjourned by Judge en lieu of mediating an open adoption (which I had always thought would be terrific). Day before mediation–BPs decide, they do not want to mediate–but go back to trial. Now the 2nd round of trial is end of Oct.
My daughter has been with me the entire time–she is now close to 5 months old. BPs have not asked for a picture, blew off a planned visit–and haven’t even inquired about her well-being.
I cannot tell you the emotional and financial drain this is taking–when all I want is peace in our lives. I have reached out over and over with an olive branch to BPs, only to be spit on each time.
It’s so gut wrenching and confusing. BPs are very young, live with their respective parents, have no education, work very menial jobs, and each have a very young child with another partner—not to mention my daughter—between them.
I wanted so much to come to a place where we could build a beautiful open adoption for my daughter–but they are not interested.
Many people have said to me “why don’t you just give her back and get a new baby”. Which is both hurtful and disgusting. She is not a Gap outfit. She is a person–who has been with me since the minute she drew breath.
She is my daughter–plain and simple. I love her more then life itself.
And although this has been (and continues to be) a horrific experience—my daughter is the most incredible person I have ever known.
I pray each day that when we go back to trial–the Judge will see the bond and love between us, and rule in our favor. After all–I am the only Mommy she’s ever known.
if you didn’t give birth to the child you are not the mother.
First off, I’m so sorry. That’s a tough situation for everybody involved, and I hope it’s resolved quickly.
In our situation, which I’ll finish writing about tomorrow, it would have been easier for us (my husband and me) if Lil’ D’s birth parents had chosen to parent him themselves.
I would say that it could be that your daughter’s birth parents hope the situation can be resolved in their favor. Given what you’ve said, and realizing that there are at least 2 sides to every story, it doesn’t seem like it. But again, I have no way of knowing.
(big hugs) Thank you so much for sharing your story. Good luck to all of you.