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“My son’s birthmother wants to friend me on Facebook! What do I do?”
“My son’s parents won’t let me post pictures of him on my Facebook. What do I do?”
Ah the Internet. Such a small world after all, no? It kind of made me glad that my son’s birthmother didn’t have Internet access.
Then, I found her MySpace page.
The page is a year old now. On it, she writes that she has three children, and she names them. She includes pictures of the two children she’s parenting, as well as her niece. She doesn’t include pictures of Jack.
Some people believe that once you possess a picture, it’s yours to do with as you will. This is not true. The photographer retains the rights. I’ve had two friends who have had their pictures appropriated, one for innocuous use and one for profit.
The first friend shared a picture on her blog of her son in a silly hat. She later discovered that it had been turned into an email birthday greeting, and a popular one at that. To me, that’s just weird. I’m not sure I would want my son’s face in email inboxes around the world.
The second friend posted a picture in an online forum. She found out that a man had appropriated the picture and was using it to raise funds to “adopt” the “orphan” in the photo. Her daughter was part of an Internet scam, much like this woman’s son was.
Along the same lines, Facebook allows people to find one another relatively easily. On our online group, some women discussed the pros and cons of “friending” their children’s birth parents on Facebook. Many of the parents on this group adopted through foster care, so there are some safety concerns that might not be present in private adoptions.* One woman simply ignored the request. Everyone mentioned that, on social networking sites such as Facebook, you’re not only sharing your information, but the information of your “friends”. One woman set up her account so that the birthmother could see only her information, and none of the information from her friends. Two people had set up accounts that were family only, and included the birth parents as friends there.
What would I do? I’d likely punt and ignore the request. I love and trust S, but I do not trust the people she might friend. That’s the main issue – you’re not just friending one person, but the 149 other people she counts as friends too.
The Internet has expanded more rapidly than the laws and common sense surrounding it. The waters can be murky. I may revisit this post someday and disagree with myself. Time will tell.
* This is not to say that every child adopted from foster care is in danger from his or her birth parents. In some cases, children are removed from their homes because it’s not safe for them to be there in the first place. So, ongoing contact is not always in the best interest of the child.
I would just like to point out that this cuts both ways. I wouldn’t want my son’s parents posting pictures of me on all of their webpages (they don’t have any, but I just wouldn’t want that.) They may have people on their facebook friends that are completely fine, but the same thing applies about friends to adoptive parents as first parents.
That’s a great point! Before I shared a picture of Jack, his birthmom, and me in the hospital, I made sure to get permission from S to do so.
Thank you Belle for pointing out that we all can have crazy friends; I know I have my share of them for sure.
My birthdaughter is my friend on FB. It gets tricky sometimes because she has not told her family that we have a relationship, and since her son is also her friend, I have to be careful what I say.
But FB is a fantastic way to share information with families. My daughter has shared more information with me, including photos, on FB than in 7 years of correspondence.
Would I be friends with her parents? Probably, if they asked. It’s a tricky new world out there, and we all need to learn to adapt to the new ways of communicating, including limiting access to information and photos to people of our choosing, if that is our choice.