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Two of my online friends posted their responses to this article, Shotgun Adoption, from The Nation.
I’m sharing the link because I think it should be required reading for all people considering adoption. I fear that, too often, adoptive parents tend to somewhat gloss over the relinquishment process. I don’t mean that we’re not sympathetic, or that we don’t realize what a huge sacrifice these women are making. I feel that some adoptive parents simply jump to the conclusion that the children we’re hoping to adopt will be better off with us than with the biological mother.
Now, I feel a bit like the pot calling the kettle black. My son’s birthmother is the stereotypical birthmother. Young, poor, etc. Time has shown that we’re all very lucky that my/her son is with us. If I hadn’t looked outside of our relationship for other birth parent experiences, I might very well believe that all birth parents are, more or less, like that.
I once wrote that, if adoption is the best decision before the baby is born, then it’s most likely the best decision after the baby is born. I still want to believe that’s true, but I don’t think that I do. I think it’s true in some cases, and it was in ours. But the decision making process-the events, thoughts, and emotions that occur between “I’m pregnant!” and choosing a path for the baby, all of it has to be in control of the woman having the baby. I don’t know how often it is. I’ve only adopted once, and I know S was in control of her decision. Beyond that, I can only go by what I read.
“Coercion” is such an ugly word. I know I think of it in terms of money and gifts. Make sure that you don’t buy anything for an expectant mother or else it might look like coercion. But is it coercion when your parents are telling you, “You’re too smart to have a baby now. You need to finish school. You need to be able to provide a life for yourself before you have a kid.”? Is it coercion when a church counselor says, “God doesn’t make mistakes. He brought this baby into your life so you could make a childless couple happy.”? Where’s the line between encouragement and coercion?
I hope I haven’t offended anyone with my attempts to think about the other side of this equation. Obviously, I’ve never been a birth mother, so I can’t truly know or understand what that process must be like. And I don’t mean to suggest that adoptive parents don’t think about or sympathize with expectant and birth parents. This article simply made me think that it would be good to try and put ourselves in the other person’s shoes.
While I certainly agree that no mother should be pressured into giving up her baby, I have to wonder at the potential bias of this article. Any article that talks about “the antiabortion movement” has already expressed a preference for abortion on demand and the culture that goes along with it, which in my humble opinion includes a stigma on adoption.
karae; You can read an agenda into the piece if you want. The point is that reform is greatly needed and people need to know about it. No one is “pro-abortion.” No one wants every unplanned pregnancy to result in an abortion. Likewise, no one should want every unplanned pregnancy to result in an adoption, especially an unethical one. That’s what the article is about.
coercion is definatley an ugly thing.
But sometimes it’s done with an agenda and with concern, and sometimes the person doing it may not realize it.
Parents concerned about their young daughters (sons too) getting pregnant and saying the things like above, wanting a certain life for their child, I beleive are coercing those humans to follow their agenda or what they think is the best or what is right.
Whether they think it is a good thing or not. It’s natural, at least in the beginning and for thousands of years to have sex and be pregnant when it became physically possible. Now it’s a sin, or something to be ashamed of, something to get out of, something to avoid until it’s socially acceptable.. In many of our society’s groups pregnacy at any age by anyone is discusting and ewww and never go there if you do you are simply stupid, weak, selfish….the world is already over crowded ya know.
A church counselor may believe that when saying coercive things like this that it’s the truth “God doesn’t make mistakes. He brought this baby into your life so you could make a childless couple happy.” I question it and would like to ask the counselor “How would you know?” and why would you push me in that direction? And WWJD?
Anything we say to lead someone else to do something they may not be intending to do is coercion.
I hope and pray coercion ceases to exist with the agenda of removing a child from it’s mother for adoption.
Is coercion always bad???
I hope not, am going to coerce my son right now into doing his homework for his own good and for mine. even tho he says he really wants to be a “digger” or a janitor and grades don’t matter so much. I push him in the good grade section for what I want for him. Probably a good thing, regardless I will be very proud if I see him dig a perfect ditch.
I’m totally upfront about my coercive techniques with him, which include bribes and promises I’ll avoid as long as I can or never intend to carry out LOL does that make a difference? If your upfront about it?
Even if you’re a little sneaky?
I’ve concluded that I’m not sure where the line is between encouragement and coercion, or if there truly is one.
“don’t dwell on your answer so much -
question the question” my last fortune cookie