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The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It’s designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community.
This round’s prompt: Write about open adoption and the holiday season.
We were matched with Jack’s birthmother in October 2005. I wrote a bit about that in my post Waiting Over the Holidays. Our first holiday in an open adoption was really that Christmas. As S faced a number of challenges and anticipated relinquishing her second son, my family mourned the loss of its patriarch, my grandfather, while similarly anticipating Jack’s birth.
Every year, I’ve been very aware of how much more we have than S. Not just stuff, but supportive relationships, traditions, experiences. I have to hold myself back from buying presents for the children she’s parenting. Although we’re better off than she is, we’re not in great financial shape. I want to give Iggy and Baby A all that Jack has, but I can’t provide it.
I can feel guilty about it though. When S asks for things, and I have to say no, we can’t afford it, I know I’m talking to someone who really knows what it means to have nothing. We’re trying to save money to adopt again. Yes, it does feel hypocritical to save money to adopt Jack’s sister when his biological sister is in Missouri and needs diapers. Baby A isn’t my daughter. I don’t make choices for her, and I can’t protect her. Showering her with “stuff” I really can’t afford isn’t going to help a whole lot.
I do wish we could see her though. I do wish I could hug her, and S and Iggy. I want S to see how happy Jack is, and I want Jack to know how much S loves him. I know that’s what the holidays are all about, but it’s so easy to get lost in all of the stuff.
[...] mother Robyn at the Adoption.com domestic adoption blog explores the tension in giving–or not giving–gifts when there [...]