The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It’s designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community.
This round comes to you courtesy of the wonderful Andy of Today’s the Day!.
We often hear about open adoptions where the two sides don’t want the same level of openness. First mothers who don’t get updates as often as they would like, or not as many visits each year. Or adoptive parents who want to include their child’s first mother in his life, but she is not ready.
But what we don’t often discuss is when people on the same side of the triad can’t agree on the level of openness in an adoption.
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- It could be a wife who wants a fully open adoption but the husband only wants to send letters once a year.
- Or a first mother isn’t ready for an open adoption but the first father wants to be part of the baby’s life.
- Maybe a spouse isn’t supportive of their partner entering into reunion with their first mother.
- Or a partner who came along after the adoption and isn’t comfortable with your relationship with your placed child.
- And the classic Hallmark movie of the year scenario: Your mother-in-law is convinced that the baby will be snatched away from under your nose if you have an open adoption.
How would/do you navigate these situations? Does your current relationship impact the type of open adoption that you have? How does this affect your current relationship?
Notice the last bullet point, but substitute “mother” for “mother-in-law”. My mother did not like to remember that Jack had another mother. She was very angry with me for sending pictures and considered it a waste of time. Consequently, I talked as little as possible about S. When S became pregnant again, I never mentioned it. When she had a baby girl, I didn’t let on. My husband’s family knew – my mother-in-law was visiting when S called with the news. Of course, Jack knows he has a baby sister.
My mother passed away in May. However, none of my family knows about Baby A. They don’t know that Jack is a big brother. I know that they’ll pass judgment on S. Everyone does. Many of my friends know about her. I can’t say I think S is the brightest bulb in the chandelier in this respect, but I do know her, and know that her situation is a lot more complicated than it seems to the casual observer.
I imagine that someday, Jack’s going to mention Baby A in company that includes some of my family members. Actually, S keeps telling me she’s going to send some pictures, and she did have holiday pictures done that I can order (if I ever remember, *sigh*), so I’m sure we’ll have one of those out.
After all of this time – Baby A is just over one year old – it seems like I’m hiding something, when really, I just don’t want to deal with their reactions. My mother’s side of the family is fairly well off, and my father’s is very religious. Between the two, we have varying levels of intolerance and ignorance on the subjects of teenage pregnancy and parenthood. I don’t feel that any of the elder members of my family understand open adoption. My cousins who are close to me in age would likely be more receptive, I suppose. I should probably trust them more.
Open adoption has really made me think about relationships in general. There are people who can handle the fact that we’re living in open adoption, and those who can’t. Somehow, that’s just how it is.
