e-mail
Heather at Production, Not Reproduction, has started an Open Adoption Blog Roundtable. The first topic was posted last week. As I already had my financing posts planned, I’m a little late on this one.
What one thing about open adoption would you tell your past self, if you could?
I know exactly what I would tell myself, I just can’t put it into words. Perhaps some background would help.
My son’s birthmother, S, had her first child at a young age. About 9 months later, she found herself pregnant with the baby who would be Jack. She didn’t have a job, or a stable living situation. She felt that adoption was the best choice. She placed Jack with us.
S and I always got along well on the phone. During the time we were in Missouri for Jack’s birth, there was some tension. I think that was inevitable, really. I always thought to myself that S was “book smart” she just didn’t always make good choices.
I didn’t know how right I was.
S’s life since she placed Jack has been shaky. Some of the issues are brought about by her poor choices, but some have been complete curve balls. The son she parents was diagnosed with epilepsy and a seizure caused brain damage. He is legally blind and very developmentally delayed. Consequently, finding and keeping a job is a problem, especially since she has only a high school diploma. On the poor choice side, she’s been in a series of abusive relationships.
Because S doesn’t have a permanent home, it’s difficult to stay in touch. Phone numbers are disconnected or rude people answer and say that she doesn’t live there anymore. She calls us, for the most part. Often, when she does, it’s with bad news. Just last week, she called to tell us some disturbing relationship information.
I want to help S, but I can’t. Partly, I don’t know how. Partly, she has to help herself. I think about the children she parents, and how this must be for them. I wonder if her daughter will perpetuate the pattern that S inherited from her own mother. I dwell on how much responsibility, if any, we have to these children, Jack’s half-siblings. I occasionally worry about what happens if an abusive boyfriend goes too far, and S is no longer on this Earth, or if she defends herself and ends up in jail for her trouble.
It’s hard to put in one sentence what I would say to my future self. It’s almost, “Don’t make promises you can’t keep” except that I never did make any promises. It’s not quite, “You can’t fix everything” because I’ve always known that. Maybe it’s just “Sometimes, you won’t know what to say, and that’s hard”. Hard for me because I’m a writer, a fixer, a peacemaker. Hard for me because I really do love S and her kids, and I want to protect Jack’s siblings. Hard for me because S really does need someone who can fix her problems, and I know how little support she has from the people close to her, geographically.
The thought, “Don’t get too involved” keeps coming into my head, but I don’t think that’s right either. Certainly, I did have to learn that what I do doesn’t really change S’s life or situation. I learned the hard way not to get money involved. However, I don’t think that’s important enough to be the only thing I would tell myself.
Open adoption is hard. Not many people understand it. No one has the exact experience you have, and no one can tell you what to do. So you’re going to feel adrift, and have to find your own way. Good luck on your adoption journey.
AdoptionBlogs is looking for a few good writers! We’re seeking bloggers for multiple topics. Send an email to editor@adoptionblogs.com that includes the topics you’d like to write about and a bit about your writing experience.
