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In the past 24 hours, some serious stuff has gone down, with my son’s birthmother at the center of it. I posted about it on my personal blog, and asked for some help via one of my online support groups. But I’m not going to write about it here. Why not? Because it’s not about me.
This isn’t my story to share. I’ve asked for help before on the Open Adoption Support forum, and even that felt a bit like betraying trust. I really the needed the advice at the time, and I got a lot of support, so I don’t regret it. I just think it’s important to know what to share, when, where, and with whom.
There are pieces of my son’s birth family’s history that I don’t share at all. There’s some information that I will share on my online support group. I feel like many of those people are my friends, and I’ve even met a few of them in real life. I feel that I can trust them. Even so, I leave out identifying information about S and her family, just in case. There’s information that I share with just about anyone, even if maybe I shouldn’t.
I was a bit too free in expressing my opinion of Jack’s birth father after Jack was born. My husband still is, in my opinion. Now, I just say, “He’s not in the picture, and he didn’t want to meet us.” The rest is unnecessary for anyone to know.
I can be a bit too free in revealing S’s story arc. I don’t mean to be. Her situation is quite foreign to me, and I need help from people with other experiences. I’ve found some very good advice this way, that has helped me handle the situation. I try to share only with people I know. My “friends” on my personal blog, and my group.
To the world at large, I try to stay away from S’s story, except where it pertains to Jack. It’s important to know, I think, that Jack has two half-siblings. For discussion purposes, it’s good to know that S isn’t close enough to visit. But I don’t need to share much else.
Right now, I wish I could share. I wish I were the blabbermouth. But I can’t be. I’m already too free with my opinions and concerns in certain places. I think it’s important to maintain some sort of privacy. The Internet makes all of that very difficult. What boundaries can and cannot be crossed?
My advice to you is, if you wouldn’t want a total stranger to know it, don’t share it. Here, “total stranger” is a random person in no way related to the person you told the story to. For example, my best friend Penny is a person whom I know and trust, even if S doesn’t know her. I feel safe sharing with her, and if S has a Penny, I’d want her to share with her Penny too. But my entire Facebook friends list, which includes people I see everyday, people I haven’t seen since high school, and people I’ve never met, contains many near total strangers.
I’m hoping this situation is resolved soon, because not writing about it is very difficult for me. I can’t think of much else that’s adoption-related without thinking about this. As they say on The Simpsons, “It’s all a vast tapestry.”
Um, I’m confused. If you don’t feel like you have the right to be sharing Jack’s or his birthparents’ stories, why blog about it?
You are so right! It is not about “me”. I try and remember that whenever I talk about the adoption or anything personal about the kids. Whatever we say can come back to haunt us and I don’t think it is right for others to know more than the kids know. In time they will know everything and then they can share what they want to share. If someone asks me a personal question I often say,”We don’t share a lot of personal information.” Direct, to the point and polite for the most part.
I am this way with my bio kids a lot as well. I don’t want to embarass them and make them feel as if I’m a gossip. I want them to trust me and know I won’t blab all of thier secrets. Even if they are not “important” to me, they are to them!
I hope the situation works itself out well for all of you.
In this post, I’m blogging about not blogging. I have a personal blog, which is open only to friends. I write there because I need help and support dealing with the issues raised. But I won’t write specifics here because anyone can read it.
Thanks for clearing that up for me. I was just confused — I wasn’t saying that you were wrong for not writing the specifics down. I totally get it why you wouldn’t want the whole world to read about your family.
I’m a foster parent. And I have just adopted 2 boys. one is 3 years old and the other is 2 years old. Am ready to adopt my 16 year old daughter. I don’t share much info about the whys they were taken from their parents. I feel that when the time comes I want to be the one to let them know. I make sure that they see their siblings and I constantly tell them how lucky I am to adopt them. my 3 year old sees his parents on holiday. I have learn to be very careful around them. I know is been hard for them to lose their child. so when we get together it doesn’t bother me when my son cause his parents mom and dad. I tell my 3 year old how lucky he is to have 2 set of parents who love him. I would love to do the same for my 2 year old but because of their situation is not possible. however I do tell him how much his parents love him. I even have a pic of their parents on their lifebook. One thing I have learn form my mother always saying: today is their struggles, tomorrow it might be ours.
[...] blogged briefly and specifically about this a few months [...]