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I read Dawn Friedman’s blog, this woman’s work, religiously. Two days ago, she posted a response to a post in another blog, which I read occasionally. In essence, a birthmother asked her child’s parent if she could talk to her about the more difficult parts of the adoption. The adoptive mother’s response was basically, “I guess I can’t stop you, but…” Dawn was talking to her daughter’s birthmother about that, and Pennie said, “Isn’t that your JOB?” Dawn said yes.
My first reaction upon reading that was “Umm… NO.” But I’ve been giving it a lot of thought in the past 24 hours. Now, I think, “Maybe sometimes.”
I’m going to make an analogy here. I have a chronic pain disorder. For 3 years, I was in constant excruciating pain. My husband got to listen to me talk about it – complain, rant, sob, muse, philosophize, etc. It didn’t take that long before he was burnt out on it. He had his own very valid issues with my pain. You can’t be a sick person’s primary caretaker without experiencing some issues. He married me, and that means, to some extent, that he signed up for listening to me. But there’s only so much listening a person can do, and there really wasn’t anything he could do to ease my pain.
To apply this to a birth parent & adoptive parent relationship, I think that there are some issues and difficulties that we should, even must, discuss with one another. However, I don’t think it’s necessary, or even “good” ™ to discuss everything. I also think that if every conversation becomes about the difficulties one person faces in the adoption, then the person talking might need more help than the person listening can give, even if it’s just another, different, sympathetic ear.
S says that she doesn’t have any regrets about placing Jack. Some days I believe her, some days I don’t, but either way, the issues that she’s had have never come up. Similarly, I don’t talk to her about the difficulties I face as an adoptive mom. It never occurred to me to do so. I don’t think it’s her job to listen to that, and I don’t think it’s my job to discuss all of her issues. I do think it’s appropriate on some occasions to discuss the hard stuff, but if there were a job description for Adoptive Mother, I don’t think I’d include “listen to the problems your child’s birthmother is experiencing whenever she experiences them”. Nor do I think the Birth Mother job description would read “listen to the problems your child’s adoptive parents are experiencing whenever they experience them”.
I think that discussing the difficulties in adoption is sometimes necessary. I think, that if both parties feel comfortable discussing anything and everything about their adoptions, then that’s great. But I don’t think it’s our job.
What do you think?
I feel like my point is lost in the word JOB, which was Pennie’s choice to use. That makes it sound more like I am here to serve Pennie first and foremost no matter what when what Pennie meant (I believe) is yeah, we need to be honest with each other and I can’t run when the going gets rough. (After all, Pennie can’t — not when she’s as committed to being there for Madison as she is.)
But I get in the ongoing conversation at my blog that for some adoptive parents, it’s too much. We should NOT be the primary caretakers for our children’s other parents and we have to have boundaries that work for us. But I hope that adoptive parents can consider stretching to hear more about the hard parts of being a birth parent. Early on Pennie told me when visits were hard for her or when specific parts of visits were hard and this helped me do what I could to make them easier. It also helped me understand when sometimes we wouldn’t hear from her. I count on Pennie to tell me what’s going on, too, which helps me relax and not worry so much that I’m screwing things up somehow. These are all good things.
Pennie and I are also friends and so as a friend (not just as her daughter’s other mother) I care about what’s happening to her. I’d say as her friend it definitely is my job to hear how things are going just like it is with my other friends. So there’s that, too, and I realize not every adoptive parent and birth parent are able to be friends — that’s just reality sometimes.
(Totally as an aside, I didn’t know they were running these blogs on wordpress! Awesome!)
I definitely think that the connotations of the word “job” overshadow the larger point. I read the original post and the comments, but I’m not sure that I really got it until I read this comment. Open adoption is definitely a balancing act, and because they’re all different, what works for one family might not work for others. In general, I agree that adoptive parents should be more open to discussing issues with birth families.
I’m glad we’re on Wordpress now too. So much easier! :0)