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My mother passed away early yesterday morning. A lifelong smoker, she had COPD, and had been on oxygen for over four years. Still, the end came unexpectedly. My sister and her family live across the country, so her boys didn’t have the same relationship with “Nana” that Jack had. For Jack, the connection may be tenuous, but he knows Nana, and will at least remember her love. For my nephews, that connection never had a chance to form.
The way my mind works, this reminded me of an episode of Adoption Stories, an old TV show that chronicled adoptions. A couple adopted a baby boy from a young woman, and they intended to have an open relationship. They were fairly close during her pregnancy. A few months after the baby was born, the woman died, again, completely unexpectedly. I thought, how horrible for that little boy to lose that connection.
And that lead me to think about open adoption in general. A friend of mine said that she didn’t know how I could talk to my son’s birthmom “so much.” That she’d maybe do it once a year. A birthmother on a forum I frequent walks on eggshells to avoid upsetting her child’s parents, lest they decide to pare back visits even further. So many adoptive parents say to themselves, “I can’t do that”, “That’s not for us”, or, the worst, “Well, my child can choose when he’s 18.”
He may not have until he’s 18, folks.
I know that there are situations in which adoptions must be closed for the safety of the children involved. However, I believe those situations to be rare. More often, it’s we adoptive parents who jump to conclusions. We’re not secure enough in our roles as parents to involve another person. We think that we are the most important people in our children’s lives, that they don’t need anyone else.
That is simply not true.
Being in touch with Jack’s birthmother isn’t easy. It’s excruciating to know what she’s going through and not be able to help or change her ways. And yes, sometimes it’s inconvenient to remember that he has another mother. But I absolutely believe it’s important for Jack to have that connection, even if it’s only on the phone and in pictures.
If you’re on the fence about open adoption, think for a moment how you might feel, upon growing up, to have never spoken with your mother. I know the argument – a birth mother isn’t a “mother” mother. (In fact, I’ve made that argument.) But she is a mother nonetheless. Even when I hated my mom, I’m glad she was there, and that I knew her. She’s a connection to her family, to my family, to my past. Her love for me, much like a birth mother’s love for her child, meant that I lived and had a family to care for me. She tried her best to do what she thought was right.
Even if all you do is letters and pictures, or telephone calls, it’s a start. It’s a connection. And it is important. We’re going to have to make a lot of sacrifices for our children. One of them may be facing our fears and insecurities and reaching out to the people who gave our children life and family. If we try, even if we don’t succeed – some adoptions are closed at the request of the birth parents – at least we recognize and honor that connection.
Photo Credit: Robyn C. 2006. All rights reserved.
I am so sorry about your loss. You are so right, we never know how much time we have left with a loved one. We cannot “wait until tommorow” sometimes, even if it seems the easier way to do things.
I’m sorry for your loss, Robyn. Sending hugs.
[...] we don’t know how much time we have on this Earth. I wrote about death and adoption when my mother passed away. Even if our children’s birth parents are young, young people do [...]