e-mail
I recently met a mom who adopted her son from Russia. I’ll call her Rose. One of the reasons she chose Russia was to avoid what she thought were mandatory “birthmother expenses”. She didn’t realize that prospective adoptive parents have choices when it comes to birthmother expenses.
(Note: A woman isn’t a “birthmother” until she places. Until then, she’s an “expectant mother”. I’m using the term “birthmother expenses” because that’s what they’re commonly called.)
As prospective adoptive parents, we can choose how much we can provide for birthmother expenses, or not to provide for any expenses at all. Different states have vastly different rules. California allows the following*:
Medical, legal, counseling, living (maximum $500 maternity clothing, housing, food of up to $400 per month, and $500 for birthmother and another child, transportation. 3 months prenatal to up to 11 weeks postpartum.
New Hampshire allows*:
Medical, legal, counseling, reasonable living, including transportation, lodging, clothing, meals, and excluding gifts over $50, educational expenses. 6 weeks postpartum.
Some states’ laws are vague, some have the courts decide, and Rhode Island doesn’t even have a law.
I know of some people who complain about birthmother expenses driving up the cost of adoption. I don’t think so. Agency fees are high because people are willing to pay them. Birthmother expenses are usually in addition to those fees. Of all the expenses we had to pay for our adoption, the birthmother expenses did not bother me one bit. Our son’s birthmother was in a very difficult situation. (One would have to be, wouldn’t one, to contemplate placing a child for adoption?) When she ended up having an “emergency” C-section, she couldn’t work for 4-6 weeks. We paid her rent for that time. It was something she needed, and we could provide.
On the other side of the coin, there are people who don’t think birthmother expenses should be allowed at all. Not because of the added cost, but because of the possibility of coercion. If a couple paid your rent, your medical co-pays, and bought you some maternity clothes, how comfortable would you feel deciding to parent? I admit, I hadn’t thought of this until I read a blog post by another adoptive mother, which was echoed by a first mother.
Back to my meeting Rose, another person at the table told the story of family friends who had paid thousands in birthmother expenses, only to have the baby taken back by the birthfather. This brought up the concept of birthparents using prospective adoptive parents as bank accounts. While they may exist, I believe that most of birthmothers are really just trying to make sure they have the necessities for a time during which they are unable to do for themselves.
Because of my experience, I’m not in favor of outlawing birthmother expenses. I am in favor of standardizing adoption laws (but that’s another post). Do you have an opinion you’d like to share?
* Source: http://www.theadoptionguide.com/files/StateAdoptionLaws.pdf
