That was the question a good friend of mine emailed me the other day.
I wrote back: No.
Here’s why…
Jack’s adoption took place in 2006. I had hoped to be back in the pool again by now. However, Jack’s adoption cost more than expected (but that’s another post), which set us back one year. And then the economy intervened (see the Hoping to Adopt blog), so we’re now at 2011.
I have seen many, many people on forums and the two online support groups I’ve joined try to “sell” adoption from foster care by proclaiming “It’s free!”. Some say that they get money from the state, even after their adoption is final. And yes, you can take the full tax credit (currently $11,690) even if you don’t have any expenses.
I firmly believe that no one should choose a type of adoption based solely on financial cost. Foster adoption may be “free” monetarily, but there are other costs involved.
When I began researching domestic adoption, I read that a person should only go the foster adoption route if one wanted to be a foster parent. If one wants to be a parent, one should adopt privately or internationally. I quoted that once on a support group list and was “yelled at” by one foster mother. She said that her kids are her own, she’s there for them when they come home from school, takes care of them when they’re sick, and so on. But many other foster moms had to agree that foster parenting is different than parenting.
One foster mom said that she had to ask permission from the state before she could get her child’s hair cut. Another told a story of how she had lost her foster kids, including one she was in the process of adopting, when she had to go out to the store for some milk, and left the kids with her 17 year old. She was gone for less than half an hour, but the social worker picked that time for an unannounced visit.
The goal of foster care is usually reunification with the birthparents or biological family. It would be incredibly difficult for me to have a child for a long period of time, only to see her leave. But as hard as it would be for me, I think of what that might mean for Jack. The child he thought of as his sister – even if we explained she might not be – would suddenly leave. How many times would that happen? If and when we did get an adoptive placement and finalized, would he be able to bond with his sibling?
We have an open adoption with Jack’s birthmother, who lives in another state. She’s hit many lows, but even so, I am thankful for her presence in our life. I want that opportunity for our daughter. Although some foster adoptions are open, most are not, often for the safety of the child.
We took Jack “home” from the hospital when he was 3 days old. It’s not often that babies are placed in foster care at birth. As far as I’ve been able to discover, the number of young infants placed in foster care varies wildly from state to state. Many babies are a bit older, or in the toddler stage. I was there for all of the sleep-deprived first months of Jack’s life. Though I don’t remember a lot of it, I did take pictures and journal, and I want to go through it all with my daughter too. (I realize that this may make me insane. At least, my husband thinks so.)
There’s no doubt that thousands of children in foster care need families. If a family wants to explore foster adoption, they should do so for reasons other than “it’s cheap”. Being a foster parent and working within that system have costs, and those should be weighed against the cash expenditures.
Photo Credit: 2004 Robyn C. All Rights Reserved.
When you list money as the primary reason why you are not yet adopting again, the logical response from people who care is to offer suggestions for lower-cost alternatives. Also, you are adamant that this is not the option for you. I think you would surprise yourself if you stepped outside your comfort zone and considered why you need to parent without interference from those pesky social workers. Or better yet, write a blog about the benefits of foster adoption–if you can see them. You seem very fearful of the loss you and your son might encounter–what about the tremendous loss the kids in foster care have already experienced? When people talk about the cost of private adoption, we foster parents naturally go “there” to dispell the myths that still exist around foster/adoption:it costs nothing, you can get an infant, etc. There is absolutely nothing wrong with choosing foster/adoption because you simply cannot afford a private one. The alternative is being childless. I think while monetary issues may lead us there initially, we soon realize that the reward lies not in our bank accounts but in our hearts at having helped these kids, even for a while, if not forever. You are stronger than you know, Robyn, and your daughter is waiting, but you have written off this very viable option, assuming the worst. That’s too bad. Even the losses and disappointments we experienced were worth it.
My husband and I are waiting to hear back on licensing. We started this process in the summer of 2008 and are still waiting to hear when the process will be over. We decided to fost/adopt because these children have a need and we want a family.
Unfortunately DCF does not make it easy. If I had to choose I would stay childless. DCF puts families through hell. Its not just the background checks; we are fine with them. The problem is that those people have no fire. They are worse than the DMV and the frightening part is familyless children rely on them for a forever family.
It is truly sad to see case workers, their supervisors, county heads and even deputys ignore requests of families looking for a forever child. If it wasnt for the DCF people I wouldnt mind this process but…
Be prepared for a LONG wait, uncaring workers, and disinterested people all around.
As the mother of two children adopted from foster care, I’d like to add a couple of notes to this post. First, you ABSOLUTELY can adopt from foster care without being a licensed foster parent. There are currently 150,000 children in the US waiting for homes, all of whom have had parental rights terminated for some time. In the majority of states, you can adopt these children without fostering them first. Second, the children’s home in our town literally had babies 2 and under “stacked up” over labor day weekend last year. The myth that you cannot adopt an infant from foster care is just not true. Often when a mother has had all of her children taken from her, as soon as she delivers another child, they take that child too. Dear friends of ours have adopted four of their five children during their infancy and all of those adoptions were through foster care. And, as for the previous post above, in our experience, the wait was quite short, the workers have been amazing despite being overworked, and everyone has shown great interest in our family and in the children who wait for homes. I agree wholeheartedly that finances should not be your motivator in choosing your path toward parenthood. I just think that misinformation shouldn’t be your motivator either.
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