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Right after Jack was born, it seemed that there was a trend on the Adoption.com forums. Birth mothers were becoming pregnant again soon after relinquishing their first children, and asking the adoptive parents to adopt the new baby as well. Recently, a number of parents in my online support group have found themselves in the same situation. They have children under the age of 2, birthmom is pregnant again and she wants to place.
The idea that S could become pregnant again and want to place had occurred to my husband and me. We never did reach agreement on what we would do. The others in my group have offered some useful advice and insight.
First, do you want another child, ever? If you consider your family complete, and you were not planning on adopting again, you come from a different place then if you want other children, either now or in the future.
Is your adoption open or closed? One mom who was involved in a closed adoption said that she would be more likely to adopt her child’s biological sibling to maintain a connection to her children’s heritage.
Can you afford it? Adoption is expensive, and having more kids in general is expensive. You do need to be practical about your financial situation. On the other hand, weigh the importance of your child having a sibling versus that of your child going to Disneyland this year.
Don’t think that there’s going to be a perfect time. I love the John Lennon lyric, “Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans”. It’s so true. If you wait for the perfect time for everything, you’ll never have anything.
Here are some other questions to ask yourself:
- Do you think you would be the best parents you could be if you had another child?
- Do you think your child would be more upset to have to share his parents, or more upset to know that his siblings could have come to live with him but didn’t?
- How would you feel about changing our plans?
- Do you have the resources – financial, emotional, and time – to parent all the children?
If you’re certain that you cannot accept a placement, do try to keep in touch with the other adoptive family so your children can know each other. A few people in my group essentially espoused helping the birth mother find a family. I have mixed feelings about that, but that’s another post.
Ultimately, you have to decide what is right for your family. Don’t let anyone bully you, one way or the other.
